I've been watching My Dearest Nemesis on Viki. From the start, I've found the male lead infuriating and endearing, equally and simultaneously. He's an obnoxious corporate heir, as k-drama male leads are apt to be, but he's also a fanboy. He reads manga, plays videogames, listens to rock music, collects plushies and figurines, and is adorably passionate about these things. But he has to keep his fanboying a secret, suppress his fannish joy in public, and essentially lead a double life because people are judgy.

My heart went out to him, because my mother has shamed me for fangirling just as his grandmother, the chairwoman, shamed him for fanboying. I continue to love and fangirl over things I enjoyed as a child, and so does he. His fanboying range is as wide as mine. He'll read and love a shoujo manga. He'll buy a big plushie of a character from a children's cartoon he loved growing up and still loves now. You can't be told what you're allowed to love, in fandom.

When he tells the female lead he likes her, he apologises for not being able to hide or repress his feelings. Because he hides everything he likes. That's what his world expects him to do.

The female lead tells him that it doesn't make sense for them to date. Because he's a chaebol and she's an ordinary employee. Because he wouldn't be able to make their relationship public. But as she walks away from him, as she thinks about him, she thinks about how deeply and joyously he loves his secrets. How protective he is of them. How much meaning they bring to his life. He told her that even though he wasn't loved or accepted, he could look forward to the future when there was an upcoming new volume of a manga, a new episode or music video. Loving deeply made up for not being loved. She thinks about these things, she turns back, and she tells him that she'll be his biggest secret.

Hypothetically, I wouldn't dig a story about a corporate heir, first, dating his employee, and second, not acknowledging her publicly. But here, I know he wants to shield her, and himself, from external judgement and hurt. I'm only halfway through the show, and I would actually be satisfied if it ended here, with them in love and deciding to hide it from the world. I know that it's likely to end with him holding her hand in front of the world, with them facing the external onslaught and making it through together. But if we are to continue, I want more than that.

When the female lead first saw him fanboying, she told him he looked happy, and she told him to love things to the fullness of his heart. Despite that, when he confesses to her that he likes her, he feels the need to apologise for his feelings. Even calling these things a confession implies that apologetics are due, doesn't it? The ending to their story I am hoping to see is one in which he internalises that loving is fundamentally good and wonderful. The ending to their story I am hoping to see is one in which he loves the female lead openly, and fanboys openly, too.

Perhaps I shall write again when I finish the show. In the meanwhile, I enjoy seeing the emotional similarity of fandom and romance portrayed on screen.